Prequel to Some warnings on dealing with marital problems
Dear Boys and Girls
Expectations are very different these days from a marriage and from spouses. Quite rightly these will be changing and some will struggle to cope. It is true that often the trigger is trivial which blows up into rows which may lead to permanent hurt and its effects (separation, divorce etc)
We face trivia and put up with it all the time (stuff related to neighbours, friends, relatives, traffic, work place, et al) yet we sometimes find it difficult to cope when it happens due to your spouse. Reflect on that.
They also say once you are married a bad marriage is better than no marriage at all. It is not always true but I have seen cases where people have put up with terrible behaviour in the past and now live happy lives with the same spouse. You see times change things could get better over a period of time or you could simply get used to (thick skinned) as a trade off for any other benefits (social, financial, stability, money, visa, kids, etc). Sounds awful but it is practical truth.
Of course this does not mean you should not have some clear cut red lines. Some common red lines are:
Violence (physical)
Unrevealed/hidden history of pre-existing and persisting alcoholism or serious persisting sexually transmitted disease or addictive drug usage
Adultery
To these many add their own personal red lines - go easy on personal red lines - do not make it so harsh that it is easy to fail - after all it affects both of you. What are your personal red lines?
Remember that (mother)-in-law is only good in small doses in any situation especially when the situation is turning bad. Avoiding references to in-laws or parents (and other family members) is actually a decent thing to do when having a row as it always escalates a dispute (often even when the reference is a positive one).
Be very forgiving, be very tolerant.
Marriage is a very strange thing - two people of the opposite sex (overwhelmingly) who are essentially strangers (in most cases even when you think you know the person) decide to share everything hopefully for the rest of their lives. If there was no such thing as marriage and you were creating one today on the above principle most reasonable people would say it was a mad unworkable idea. So most of us who are married, who hope to be married or who were married are all miracle workers (and it is no surprise that sometimes these miracles do not happen - that is not a failure but it is more likely a default position).
Okay. I have said enough. I must reveal that the main reason I wrote this prequel was because I have received a few private emails after I posted the below in a British-Indian doctors forum with people briefly describing their difficulties and thanking me for doing my original post. My thoughts and prayers are with them. I thought if that previous post has provoked thought in a few this might also be some food for thought for others.
WARNINGS ON DEALING WITH MARITAL DIFFICULTIES
Especially relevant to doctors in UK (even more so for doctors or Indian/Asian origin)
Dear Boys and Girls
Actually I write this quite seriously.
When you are married, sometimes for some people, things do not go so well. For some it gets so problematic that you consider leaving or actually leave your spouse (separation, divorce). This always uncomfortable often unpleasant.
During this process a common emotion is anger. Tempers flare. Real or perceived slights, insults, words, actions, emotions can cause quite severe long term harm to the psyche. It can be so bad that you want to retaliate and do so in a way that hurts the other person really badly. Some go ahead and really retaliate.
Now this is where it get really complex and ugly. For doctors please remember once you start off on an angry path or retaliation to your estranged or to be estranged spouse you are not going down the drain alone, your career goes down the drain with you. At least in UK.
At the risk of provoking a degeneration into a gender bias debate - which is not my intention it will be reasonable to say that though things are eventually quite fair in UK systems when they deal with this issue, often in the initial stages the benefit of doubt is towards women. Given the broader context and history of the issue that may be acceptable.
If you are Indian man and your spouse decides to take the debate across to India, it can get very murky not just for you but for your family as well - I believe the laws are different in India and apparently for good reason. Though I learn that some men feel that these laws are not always applied evenhandedly.
Now, why I am I writing this. I have had the occasion to support and advice boys and girls who were having marital difficulty to put euphemistically, directly and indirectly. I have also supported and advised people who were dealing with such boys and girls. I can tell you it is very messy.
This does not mean boys and girls will never have to separate or divorce - that will happen from time to time. What I recommend to doctors (and anyone for that matter) is to keep it decent and polite.
I have been told about abusive vulgar intimidating language used (which was recorded), texts sent, emails sent (obviously those are records as well); police being involved, hospital security being called (that will be evidence for or against one party). Once anger turns into words, letters, sounds, threats, it very soon becomes actually or potentially illegal. The police wants to know that and for doctors the GMC wants to know that. There have been some pathetic attempts by some boys and girls to get the home office involved to use the visa status as another item of ammunition in their battles; after all at this stage it becomes a personal power game.
You do not want arrests, cautions, investigations, prosecutions, convictions, GMC hearings, monitoring programs, etc. You know its not good for you.
I am not the expert in this, luckily I have not seen too many boys and girls like in this situation, However, here is what I have to say - keep it polite, keep it civil, keep it legal. Do not threaten anything (threatening is what the weak minded do when they get irrational). Stay calm, stay stable, stay rational. It is not worth the hassle especially for a man or a woman who is decided to leave you or has left you or if you have decided or actually left a man or woman.
In reality, if it is so bad that you have to leave somebody or someone is leaving you, the more appropriate reaction might be to think what the future might bring, how bright the future might be; an anticipation of peace, quiet, new adventure, happiness (or at least the lack of sadness) and so on.
Actually I write this quite seriously.
When you are married, sometimes for some people, things do not go so well. For some it gets so problematic that you consider leaving or actually leave your spouse (separation, divorce). This always uncomfortable often unpleasant.
During this process a common emotion is anger. Tempers flare. Real or perceived slights, insults, words, actions, emotions can cause quite severe long term harm to the psyche. It can be so bad that you want to retaliate and do so in a way that hurts the other person really badly. Some go ahead and really retaliate.
Now this is where it get really complex and ugly. For doctors please remember once you start off on an angry path or retaliation to your estranged or to be estranged spouse you are not going down the drain alone, your career goes down the drain with you. At least in UK.
At the risk of provoking a degeneration into a gender bias debate - which is not my intention it will be reasonable to say that though things are eventually quite fair in UK systems when they deal with this issue, often in the initial stages the benefit of doubt is towards women. Given the broader context and history of the issue that may be acceptable.
If you are Indian man and your spouse decides to take the debate across to India, it can get very murky not just for you but for your family as well - I believe the laws are different in India and apparently for good reason. Though I learn that some men feel that these laws are not always applied evenhandedly.
Now, why I am I writing this. I have had the occasion to support and advice boys and girls who were having marital difficulty to put euphemistically, directly and indirectly. I have also supported and advised people who were dealing with such boys and girls. I can tell you it is very messy.
This does not mean boys and girls will never have to separate or divorce - that will happen from time to time. What I recommend to doctors (and anyone for that matter) is to keep it decent and polite.
I have been told about abusive vulgar intimidating language used (which was recorded), texts sent, emails sent (obviously those are records as well); police being involved, hospital security being called (that will be evidence for or against one party). Once anger turns into words, letters, sounds, threats, it very soon becomes actually or potentially illegal. The police wants to know that and for doctors the GMC wants to know that. There have been some pathetic attempts by some boys and girls to get the home office involved to use the visa status as another item of ammunition in their battles; after all at this stage it becomes a personal power game.
You do not want arrests, cautions, investigations, prosecutions, convictions, GMC hearings, monitoring programs, etc. You know its not good for you.
I am not the expert in this, luckily I have not seen too many boys and girls like in this situation, However, here is what I have to say - keep it polite, keep it civil, keep it legal. Do not threaten anything (threatening is what the weak minded do when they get irrational). Stay calm, stay stable, stay rational. It is not worth the hassle especially for a man or a woman who is decided to leave you or has left you or if you have decided or actually left a man or woman.
In reality, if it is so bad that you have to leave somebody or someone is leaving you, the more appropriate reaction might be to think what the future might bring, how bright the future might be; an anticipation of peace, quiet, new adventure, happiness (or at least the lack of sadness) and so on.
Behaving badly in a troublesome situation quite simply multiplies your agony.
© HEMADRI
Follow me on twitter @HemadriTweetsPS: BTW alcohol and (mother)-in-law topics usually makes these situations worse; stay away from those.
